HELPING TO HEAL THE WORLD ONE BOOK AT A TIME

When my husband died after a two and a half-year illness, I thought that my life was over. Facing the loss of my husband was so very difficult because loving is so all-encompassing; love took most of my emotional energy as I embraced my husband. I cared that he was fulfilled and well. I wanted to protect him and make him happy. I was devoted. So much so that losing him felt crippling. And so, when he was gone, I had to learn how to transform this energy into something positive. Not a "substitute," but a conversion, from a "we" to an "I."

With the help of a bereavement support group and loving friends and family, I grieved and healed and, finally, while forever cherishing the loving memory of my late-husband, went on to a new life of purpose, joy, and eventually, love.

This experience lead me to write THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (Sourcebooks, Inc.) with the help of my co-author, Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., a psychotherapist specializing in grief counseling and the Director of H.O.P.E. Unit Foundation in Los Angeles, an honored bereavement support group. Along with my story, this book offers her vision of healing with tools, not psychobabble, a blueprint as it were, to help others face their loss, mourn, and eventually, heal.

This book is also the story of other men and women -- spouses and life-partners -- willing to share their experience so that others might benefit. Dr. Stolzman and I felt it important to also include a Workbook to help others to explore their feelings in a positive way in order to facilitate healing, and to provide important and much needed resources where both the traditional and non-traditional communities can turn to for help.

After co-authoring THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF, many readers asked: "What's next? Must my life be forever without a spouse or partner?

And so, Dr. Stolzman and I went on to explore the next stage of life in THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (Sourcebooks, Inc.), a collection of twenty-four honestly told, uplifting and inspirational stories of new, loving relationships following the loss of a spouse or partner as each recognized the life-affirming, vitally important, next step; the often disquieting yet exhilaratingly overlap of grieving and finding new love that can only unfold through a commitment to healthy grieving and the willingness to move forward.

Wishing you peace and healing, Gloria Lintermans

Reader's Question and Lintermans' Answer

QUESTION:
"I have married a man that lost his wife 3 years ago this coming spring. I knew both he and his former wife. My deceased husband was very good friends with him and we lived very close to them. Our spouses are buried within a few graves of each other. I am feeling a little uncomfortable because he still has her wedding picture by his nightstand in our bedroom and it seems he does not want to let go and put some of the pictures away or in picture albums. Am I incorrect in my feelings?"

ANSWER:
It sounds like you are concerned about having his previous wedding picture on the nightstand when he is now married to you because of what this might mean to his relationship with you. Are you feeling threatened or jealous about having the picture in the bedroom? Have you tried talking to him about why he has kept it there?

Some couples do continue to have pictures of the deceased to acknowledge and pay tribute to them while also displaying current pictures of their new spouse around the house. But, there needs to be a mutual level of comfort with this.

Explore what it is exactly that's bothering you. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they are just feelings. However, I recognize you are sensitive about this and feel it should be put away. I don't know how much of his early bereavement he processed. Did he go to a support group or seek one-on-one counseling, where he would have had a chance to talk about some of these issues? He may have unresolved feelings of guilt at re-marrying. Thankfully, it is never to late to recognize and resolve negative feelings.

Feelings of guilt are common to both widows and widowers entering a new relationship. You might find it comforting to read how twelve other widow/widower couples (from both the woman and man's perspective) dealt with these and many other feelings common to widows and widowers finding love again in THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love by Dr. Stolzman and myself available at Amazon.com at The Healing Power of Love. You might also be surprised to find that of the twelve couples profiled, many had known their current partner for years in other relationships, including one brother and sister-in-law who are now husband and wife!