Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love

The unimaginable has happened; you are a widow or widower. Mourning your loss has been the focus of your life for the past year or two. Finally, as you begin to surface from your profound grief, with a deep breath and lot or a little trepidation you find yourself falling in love again. Is this new relationship fraught with landmines? You bet! Here are important stepping stones to help keep you afloat along the way, Do’s and Don’ts as it were for widows/widowers beginning a new, loving relationship.

Perhaps you joined a bereavement support group, progressed through the stages of loss and are doing pretty well. And then, surprise … you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Not just someone to hear your grief, but someone who makes your heart quicken. What to do? What feels right? You are still grieving, but you’re attracted and you want to date, you’re also lonely and crave company. And yet, you feel guilty, disloyal to your late spouse.

Do take your time starting a new relationship; it’s not unusual to feel like an awkward teenager again.
Don’t rush into romance, start with friendship.

How do I let my grown kids know that I want to date? How can I help them to react in a positive way? I don’t want to hurt them while they grieve their mother or father, but I also want to go on with my own life. How do I talk to them about my needs and be respectful of theirs? I know that they grieve on a different timetable.

Do be sensitive to the feelings of your children; encourage them to “speak their truth” while moving on with your life in a positive way.
Don’t flaunt your dating or sexuality in front of your children.

I meet someone I can see having a future with. She/he has furniture; I have furniture, how do we blend that? What do we do with family pictures?

Do be respectful in valuing the treasures of your partner.
Don’t discard family pictures; find a way to blend what is important to both of you.

How do I financially protect my new partner and myself? Do we do a prenuptial agreement? What is fair? I want to leave money for my children and I also want to protect her/him, how do I do that? It’s distasteful to seek the counsel of an attorney but I feel I should do that. I have a townhouse, she has a townhouse; which townhouse do we live in? What do we do with our extra “stuff,” how much do we give away?

Do talk about your personal values, what is fair and what is important to you.
Don’t rush into legal agreements, until you have explored your feelings together.
Do listen to your partner, even if his/her ideas are different than yours.
All of these questions are common and very real. You might be asking yourself: Do we like each other enough to resolve these questions. Can we come out of our own chaos and have a mutual life?

Do realize that you have two “containers” in your chest, one for your old life and one for the new. You’re adding, not subtracting. It is a tribute to your late spouse that you want another loving partner.
Don’t compare your new love to your late spouse.
Do accept that your new partner has different interest that will enable you to explore new areas of growth.
Do accept that it can be an interesting and rewarding challenge to meet each other’s friends and children. They knew your new partner as a couple and it may take patience until they learn to see you as a new partner, but one who is not trying to replace your partner’s late spouse in their eyes.

A new partner and shared life is indeed a positive challenge. Many widows/widowers take on the growth and welcome new love, wanting to heal and move forward to a renewed life with joy, expectation and eagerness.

Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-51-2. Lintermans and Stolzman are also the co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-48-2.

THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF is a grief recovery book and includes a valuable “Healing Power of Thought” workbook. This book is written in everyday language to which anyone can relate and be gently guided through this heartbreaking time. THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a collection of heartwarming, intimate stories of how 24 widows and widowers were able to follow their grieving with loving new relationships...a unique perspective on this subject.

Available at bookstores everywhere and online at: Amazon.com The Healing Power of Grief The Healing Power of Love
Barnesandnoble.com The Healing Power of Grief The Healing Power of Love

Reader's Question & Lintermans' Answer

I started dating an old high school friend almost a year ago. At that point his spouse of 30+ years had passed just 10 months before. I have tried to honor his feelings for her. He recently told me that he didn't know if he would ever again give his heart away. I feel that he is worth waiting for but at the same time it is difficult to constantly live in her shadow. --Posted by Anonymous to LOSS—GRIEVING—HEALING—LOVING at 9/12/2006 08:04:36 AM

Hello ...

Ten months is a very short period of time for bereavement. It takes about a year to a year and a half to work through the stages of loss. So at ten months, your friend could be feeling depression, anxiety, guilt and he is still grieving.

In order to embrace a new love and relationship, your "old high school friend" has to work through major issues in the stages of loss which include shock, denial, anger, depression, adjustment, integration and transition. It may well be too soon for him to know if "he can give his heart away again".

Try not to think of it as "living in her shadow" while giving him emotional space to complete his mourning. He may still have a need to talk about her a lot, or feel guilty about dating and embracing a new love. There may be many conflicting feelings that need to be honored within him before his heart is fully available to take on a new love.

The best gift you can give him for now is your patience. Allow him to talk and express his feelings -- a very important aspect. Being patient and loving, kind, caring and empathetic would be good avenues to explore. I suspect you are in different places emotionally and that's okay, but it needs to be recognized. He cannot replace his old love, but with enough healing he can embrace a new relationship while holding memories of his late wife dear.

Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D. L.M.F. T.

THE TIME SEQUENCES OF GRIEF: A Healing Understanding

The loss of a spouse is one of the most difficult loses we experience as your entire day-to-day life is turned upside-down. The grieving process following this loss is divided into five time sequences of grief. One to four months would be called SHOCK, five to eight months of mourning is DENIAL, nine to twelve months is ANGER, thirteen to seventeen months is DEPRESSION, eighteen to twenty four months is INTEGRATION, ADJUSTMENT and TRANSITION.

While everyone experiences grief and mourning in his or her own way and time, predictably there are time sequences and emotions common to all. You may find yourself going through each of the emotional stages of shock, denial, anger, depression, and finally, integration, adjustment and transition in the order listed, or you may find yourself jumping all over the place in a forward-and-backward movement.

You may even seem to skip one stage completely, only to encounter it long after you have thought yourself emotionally healed. How so? You may not have allowed yourself to recognize, for instance, anger directed inward, or directed outward toward your late spouse or even the world-at-large until you are feeling stronger and in control of your life once again.

SHOCK is an alarm response to a sudden, violent or upsetting disturbance. Whether your loss is sudden or expected, the element of shock is still present. It is an alarm state that protects you from the flood of emotions with which you may be unable to cope. You may experience it as anxiety, insomnia, and /or numbness. It helps you get through this initial time period. It is “normal” at this time to lose things, to misplace things, to have trouble concentrating and staying focused. At work, you may function fine and at home while reading the papers, you may not be able to retain three sentences. You are easily distracted, may lose self-esteem, and frequently feel overwhelmed.

DENIAL. While mourning involves the struggle between holding on and letting go, denial keeps you holding on. Denial is no stranger, as it is a regularly utilized defense that helps to reduce, avoid or prevent anxiety. Denial helps to make life bearable at your time of loss. Denial of loss can take the form of refusing to believe that those we trust may let us down. It show up in many ways, such as leaving the deceased’s room unchanged, setting an extra place at the table, or momentarily believing that you see your loved one I the face of a stranger. You might feel that the deceased has gone on vacation, or that the phone will ring or that the doorbell will knock. Denial is a defense of the ego and it lasts as long as it lasts.

ANGER. When denial can no longer be maintained, feelings of anger, rage, envy and resentment may show up. This anger may be directed outward or inward. Anger toward the self may look like self blame, (i.e., “I should have done more….if only I had…”) resulting in feelings of guilt, shame, helplessness and fear. When directed outward, there is a danger of becoming caught up in bitterness, resentment and alienation. Instead of feeling the normal grieving feelings of sorrow and emotional pain, one may lash out at any convenient scapegoat (i.e., the doctors, God, an inept salesperson, etc.) When you admit your anger to yourself, talk to someone you trust. It is important to work through your feelings of anger and fear.

DEPRESSION. Anger turned inward becomes depression. Depression often occurs as feelings of helplessness and overwhelm as a result of dealing with a new and unwanted life-change and expecting yourself to manage your daily obligations and emotions as you did when your loved one was alive. Here it is important to take every step slowly and carefully. Seek help where and when needed and acknowledge every success, no matter how small. When the depression is not dealt with the grieving process is delayed. Often it is helpful to speak with a therapist or counselor for assistance in dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. Often, depression may be experienced more at nine months than initially because one is so busy taking care of paperwork and details, that they do not have time to process the feelings.

INTEGRATION, ADJUSTMENT, and TRANSITION. How will you know when you are healing? You will know when you can think of your loved one without the accompanied strong emotional feelings of longing and sadness. You will remember him/her more realistically; neither as an idealized saint or as a villain. You will be living in the present, not stuck in the past, and making plans for the future. I don’t think we totally achieve acceptance, I think we weave the loss into our lives by integrating it, making an adjustment to our living and making a transition. The pain and sorrow have lessened, and we feel free to reinvest in our lives again.

THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2)and THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (ISBN 1-932783-51-2)
By Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Champion Press, 2006

Available at bookstores everywhere and online at: Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com