LOSS—GRIEVING—HEALING—LOVING

IMPORTANT TIPS FOR MANAGING THE HOLIDAYS WHILE GRIEVING

2011-03-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

While grieving we go through many firsts as important dates come up on the calendar. Whether it’s the first anniversary, birthday or holiday, it’s good to have coping strategies in place to rely on to help us cope.

The holidays can be a particularly difficult time. While we are used to being with our family members during this time, tragically, an important person in the family is missing. And while we take comfort in having family close—whom we depend on for support—often while in their midst we still feel sad or lost remembering past occasions and events because this time of year is particularly ripe with upsetting memories. The following are suggestions for managing the holidays, a difficult time of year for the bereaved.

1. CREATE A NEW HOLIDAY RITUAL – Whatever way you might have set the table before, create a new pattern, maybe different seating arrangements, unusual flowers, something that was not tried before. Asking the guests to bring a small gift for a grab bag. The point is to establish a different ritual, a different style that is not a reminder of the past and not doing things exactly the same way.

2. MAKING PLANS – When the bereaved have too much time on their hands, they begin to think and reflect. Often painful thoughts will come up comprised of past memories and events that were shared with the one they loved. Making plans for the holidays help people cope with change and leave them with some structure and things to do. Too much free time can stimulate loneliness and despair. We are reminded at holiday time by advertising, music, sales and a great deal of visual stimulation so that it appears that everyone in the world is having a good time and a place to go. When plans are made, people often feel that they have something to look forward to and share.

3. LIVING IN THE MOMENT – Worries often increase when people go too far ahead in their thinking. If we learn to breathe and stay in the moment, we learn how to be just in “the now”. In this way, we can fully appreciate the moment that is “Now” and not some other moment to come. We can be fully present and observing just what is in front of us. This may sound simple but people tend to over-analyze and over-think too many things. An example might be that if we look at a flower, really look at it, we begin to notice its color, form, shape, uniqueness, scent, petals and pollen. If we can look at every aspect of that flower as if it were the first time we can truly discover it. There can be great joy in living in the moment and not the past and not the future. It gives us a break from our thoughts and minds and allows us to appreciate the present moment we are in. Often we don’t have to do anything with it but notice it. It is a good break from problem-solving and worry.

4. GRATITUDE – When we are grateful for life’s blessings and for what we have, we distract ourselves from what is wrong with our lives. We fixate and ruminate less on what is missing. Being thankful for our children, our healthy minds and bodies. Being willing to be appreciative all the small things in our lives that make up the big things. Our ability to see, to hear, to think, to reflect, to notice, to enjoy and to feel deeply increases our sensitivity and awareness of the world around us.

5. EXERCISE – Exercise is a good antidote for stress through the holidays and stress at other times as well. Enjoying exercise on a regular basis is something good to include in our lives. Whether we walk, swim, bike ride or hike, moving our bodies allows us to be outdoors and observe nature. It often takes us out of ourselves and into the world. It may distract the griever from the constant state of anxiety which often accompanies early grieving. We release endorphins in our brain when we exercise that give our mood a lift. Exercise is often prescribed for depression and depressive thoughts.

6. NUTRITION – The bereaved often cannot eat, do not enjoy food, or may be inclined to eat too much or eat junk foods. Often the grieving person loses interest in food shopping because they don’t know how to shop for one, or they don’t want to cook for themselves. Appropriate nutritional habits are important through the grieving period because the immune system is down due to stress. Everything one can do to stay healthy is helpful. One of the signs that the bereaved is doing better is the indication that they care again about proper nutrition and make the effort to eat more than cheese and crackers. If a bereaved person was a caregiver and spent a lot of time cooking for an ill spouse they would have to learn to slowly convert this energy and give themselves permission to take good care of themselves. This is appropriate and not an indulgence. It is not selfish; it is good self-nurturing.

7. ADEQUATE REST – Sleep often gets disturbed during times of extreme stress. Being mindful of getting enough sleep is a good idea since sleep patterns can be interrupted. People often report that they may fall asleep but have trouble staying asleep. If one was used to sleeping in a bed with their spouse, there is an increased awareness of the empty bed. People tend to oversleep or not sleep enough during high stress times. Listening to soothing music before bedtime is relaxing; not listening to the news before going to bed is a good idea. It is important to not over stimulate the mind at least an hour before bedtime.

8. FAMILY AND FRIENDS – Reaching out to family and friends is particularly helpful at holiday time. Calling and making arrangements for activities and having plans are useful for getting through the holidays. Friends and family can provide comfort, safely, warmth and love. Surround yourself with the people that bring out the best in you. Talk to your friends and allow them to include you in their plans.

Accept invitations, try to laugh and see funny movies. Be less attached to being a third wheel and more attached to how wonderful it is to have people in your life that care and want to be with you. Initiate a dinner or a movie or some activity to share. Be with friends or family members that help you decrease your stress not increase it and look forward to the fact that next year will be easier for you. It is the first experience of holidays that is the most difficult to get through. Encourage yourself to participate. Hopefully, next year will be easier and you will have more events to look forward to that bring you joy.

A Guide to Children & Grief

2009-09-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

A GUIDE TO CHILDREN & GRIEF: What You Should Know & How You Can Help by Miri Rossitto is an important new ebook which addresses the special needs of children and grief. Available at http://www.valleyoflife.com, in keeping with its full range of information, this helpful ebook also breaks down grieving into age groups as children at different stages of development demonstate and articulate their grieving differently.

Miri Rossitto says,

"By the age of 18, one in five children will experience the death of someone close to them.
One in 20 children experience the death of one or both of their parents before they turn 15.
Yet despite these astounding statistics, few general resources exist on how to help grieving children. This Guide to Children and Grief is intended to provide an introduction to issues common to grieving children.

"You will learn:
• how children grieve differently than adults
• what to say and do to help grieving children
• where to find additional resources to help you and the child

"This guide is intended to help the parents, teachers, friends, and mentors who provide comfort and support during a child's grieving process.

"Grief is a natural, healthy human process for recovering after a major loss. Although the experience of grief is difficult, it's crucial for emotional growth. Like any suppressed emotional response, unreconciled grief can have significant negative effects. As a responsible, caring adult, your task is important: allow the child or children to fully experience and learn from their grief."

Bravo to author Miri Rossitto for helping children to grieve and heal by providing this excellent resource to the adults who care for them.

Helpful Do's & Don'ts for the Bereaved & Friends and Family of the Bereaved

2009-07-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

For the Bereaved:

Do give yourself permission to not hurry your bereavement; it takes as long as it takes.

Do allow yourself to have a good time. You are entitled.

Do the rituals of purging the house when you feel up to the task.

Do take off the rings, when it feels like the right thing to do.

Do send out the thank you notes, when you feel ready to do this.

Do go out with your friends and socialize.

Do enjoy your life; you are entitled to do this.

Do develop single friends.

Do not worry about whether you are in the right place emotionally; you are exactly where you ought to be.

Do remember there are no “shoulds” in bereavement.

For Friends and Family of the Bereaved:

Do stay supportive of where the bereaved is emotionally.

Do restrain yourself about offering unwanted and undesired opinions.

Don’t tell your friends to give away the clothes until they are ready to do so.

Don’t offer advice if you have not walked in their shoes.

Don’t try to talk the bereaved into some other emotional place; be respectful of the emotional place they are in.

Don’t be judgmental and critical.

Don’t say, “Isn’t that a big house for you to be in by yourself?”

Don’t say, “Why don’t you move to a smaller place?”

Do recognize that the bereaved might be very comfortable in their home and want to stay there.

Don’t give “advice” unless you are asked.

Don’t make harsh judgments if you have no feeling for what the bereaved is going through.

From the book, The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter written by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.

Dr. Jeanette's "Live at the Edge" Radio Show

2009-03-16T16:32:00.000-07:00

Listen to the conversation at: http://www.moosemeals.com/edge.htm.

Gloria Lintermans is a guest on Dr. Doris Jeanette's Internet radio show, "Live at the Edge". Find out not only the importance of, but how when mourning loss to stay in the hurt, pain and grief so that you can, within time, transform that emotional reality once again into a life of purpose and joy.

Lintermans, the author of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter, offers important, comforting tips for managing the day-to-day challenges of mourning.

After March 30, 2009, this interview will be available at: http://moosemeals.com/edge-library.htm.

Open to Hope Foundation

2009-01-08T12:33:00.000-08:00

In keeping with the New Year, my gift to all grieving a painful loss is this introduction to the Open to Hope Foundation.

The mission of the Open to Hope Foundation is to help those who have suffered a loss to cope with their pain and find hope for the future. They are an online resource center for people who have experienced loss. Their vision is that all people who experience loss will be able to learn to live with their grief, cope with their pain, and invest in their future. It is their goal to provide information and resources for people who have experienced loss, provide a forum where people who have experienced loss can learn from and help each other, and provide educational grants and networking support for those whose studies are focused on improving the care of people who grieve.

I join Heidi Horsley, Executive Director, Open to Hope Foundation, in:
"Wishing you and all those in our bereavement community, peace, healing, and hope in 2009".

http://opentohope.com

Dating and Friendship for Widows & Widowers Worldwide

2008-10-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

I have heard countless widows and widowers rightfully complain of their newfound loneliness.

While friends and family want to help, they often lack a real understanding of the widowers' world that only another widow or widower can. This may be why it is said that the widowed often feel most comfortable forming new relationships, be they for friendship or love, with other widows and widowers rather than the divorced who share an entirely different perspective on their being single again.

http://www.widowsorwidowers.com/ is a dating and friendship Web site exclusively for widows and widowers worldwide. It also offers informative links to support groups, recommended reading and other organizations of interest to bereaved men and women.

It is highly recommended. Check it out.

Helpful Tips for Managing the Holidays

2008-10-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

A Bill of Rights for the Bereaved

2007-11-08T14:58:00.001-08:00

Facing the loss of a spouse or life-partner is heartbreaking because loving is all-encompassing; love took most of our emotional energy as we embraced our spouse or partner. We cared that they were fulfilled and well. We wanted to protect them and make them happy. We were devoted, so much so, that losing this loved one, feels crippling. And so, when they are gone, we need to learn how to transform this energy into something positive. Not a "substitute," but a conversion, from a "we" to an "I".

During this important journey, the first idea we need to fully embrace is that you, the mourner, have rights. What are they?

You have the right to express your grieving in your own way.

You have the right to know that grieving is slow, hard work and to move through it at your own pace.

You have the right to express your feelings about grief and to explore them.

You have the right to forgive yourself for the things you think you “should” have done or “might” have done and realize that what you did in that moment of time was based on the information at hand and that you did the best that you could with the knowledge you had.

You have the right to be yourself and to recognize your strengths and your limitations.

You have the right to participate actively in your mourning, to remember the past with fond memories and to allow yourself to enjoy your life again.

You have the right to move forward and to speak of your pain, whether that makes people uncomfortable or not.

You have the right to go back and forth in your grieving; some days making progress and other days slipping back.

You have a right to express your emotions and to have others bear witness to your story.

You have the right to believe that you will have a whole life again!

(c) 2007, THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to Life and Laughter by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. (Sourcebooks, Inc.) ISBN: 1-932783-48-2

HELPING TO HEAL THE WORLD ONE BOOK AT A TIME

2007-10-28T18:20:00.001-07:00

When my husband died after a two and a half-year illness, I thought that my life was over. Facing the loss of my husband was so very difficult because loving is so all-encompassing; love took most of my emotional energy as I embraced my husband. I cared that he was fulfilled and well. I wanted to protect him and make him happy. I was devoted. So much so that losing him felt crippling. And so, when he was gone, I had to learn how to transform this energy into something positive. Not a "substitute," but a conversion, from a "we" to an "I."

With the help of a bereavement support group and loving friends and family, I grieved and healed and, finally, while forever cherishing the loving memory of my late-husband, went on to a new life of purpose, joy, and eventually, love.

This experience lead me to write THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (Sourcebooks, Inc.) with the help of my co-author, Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., a psychotherapist specializing in grief counseling and the Director of H.O.P.E. Unit Foundation in Los Angeles, an honored bereavement support group. Along with my story, this book offers her vision of healing with tools, not psychobabble, a blueprint as it were, to help others face their loss, mourn, and eventually, heal.

This book is also the story of other men and women -- spouses and life-partners -- willing to share their experience so that others might benefit. Dr. Stolzman and I felt it important to also include a Workbook to help others to explore their feelings in a positive way in order to facilitate healing, and to provide important and much needed resources where both the traditional and non-traditional communities can turn to for help.

After co-authoring THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF, many readers asked: "What's next? Must my life be forever without a spouse or partner?

And so, Dr. Stolzman and I went on to explore the next stage of life in THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (Sourcebooks, Inc.), a collection of twenty-four honestly told, uplifting and inspirational stories of new, loving relationships following the loss of a spouse or partner as each recognized the life-affirming, vitally important, next step; the often disquieting yet exhilaratingly overlap of grieving and finding new love that can only unfold through a commitment to healthy grieving and the willingness to move forward.

Wishing you peace and healing, Gloria Lintermans

Reader's Question and Lintermans' Answer

2007-10-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

QUESTION:
"I have married a man that lost his wife 3 years ago this coming spring. I knew both he and his former wife. My deceased husband was very good friends with him and we lived very close to them. Our spouses are buried within a few graves of each other. I am feeling a little uncomfortable because he still has her wedding picture by his nightstand in our bedroom and it seems he does not want to let go and put some of the pictures away or in picture albums. Am I incorrect in my feelings?"

ANSWER:
It sounds like you are concerned about having his previous wedding picture on the nightstand when he is now married to you because of what this might mean to his relationship with you. Are you feeling threatened or jealous about having the picture in the bedroom? Have you tried talking to him about why he has kept it there?

Some couples do continue to have pictures of the deceased to acknowledge and pay tribute to them while also displaying current pictures of their new spouse around the house. But, there needs to be a mutual level of comfort with this.

Explore what it is exactly that's bothering you. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they are just feelings. However, I recognize you are sensitive about this and feel it should be put away. I don't know how much of his early bereavement he processed. Did he go to a support group or seek one-on-one counseling, where he would have had a chance to talk about some of these issues? He may have unresolved feelings of guilt at re-marrying. Thankfully, it is never to late to recognize and resolve negative feelings.

Feelings of guilt are common to both widows and widowers entering a new relationship. You might find it comforting to read how twelve other widow/widower couples (from both the woman and man's perspective) dealt with these and many other feelings common to widows and widowers finding love again in THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love by Dr. Stolzman and myself available at Amazon.com at The Healing Power of Love. You might also be surprised to find that of the twelve couples profiled, many had known their current partner for years in other relationships, including one brother and sister-in-law who are now husband and wife!

LOVE REVISITED: Helpful Do's & Don'ts for the Widow/Widower Embracing New Love

2007-06-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind:

Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on.
Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens.
Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions.
Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home.
Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through.

Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving?

Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”.

Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children.

While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.

Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.
Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon.
Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.
Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests.
Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster.
Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.
Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such.

Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt.

Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.

Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Sourcebooks, Inc.; ISBN 1-932783-51-2.

THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a unique, Award-Winning collection of heartwarming, intimate and candid stories of 24 widows and widowers who chronicled their continuing journey to loving new relationships. When the grief and mourning at the loss of a spouse begins to ebb, many people do not know how to deal with the problems of forming new relationships. Professional writer Lintermans and grief counselor Stolzman have joined together again to present the stories of twelve new and loving relationships. The problems and pitfalls are not disguised and the stories are honestly told. The book, affirming of both life and love, is very helpful to someone coming out of mourning who feels the need for a meaningful relationship in their life.

Grieving Loss in the LGBT Community

2007-05-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

The pain of grieving is there for all losses, whether spouse or lover. A partnership transcends labels and roles and one’s partner is primary when a strong bond exists. Regardless of how the relationship is named, the pain of loss requires healing. In life, we may be exposed to mini losses several times before a major loss presents itself. We “deal with it” and even understand it to a small degree. Yet, we are not schooled in loss or prepared for it in life, so when we experience a larger loss it can feel devastating.

When we love and lose someone, whether that someone is lesbian, homosexual, bisexual or transgender, we are overwhelmed by pain and sorrow. However, when our relationship is out of the mainstream, we might already have been so criticized and saddened, that in this final loss, we find it much more difficult to grieve, heal and move on to a fulfilling new life.

No one can understand totally the pain of another. We can meet at waysides of commonality and share our experiences and progress, and although there is healing in the act of sharing, we still feel alone in our sadness. What touches us in a positive way is when we feel understood. The loneliness of loss and alienation affects us deeply at the level of our souls.

Mourning the loss of a partner within a non-traditional relationship can encompass an additional burden if there is little family or community-at-large support. Such relationships may have had less approval, or in the case of a gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender partner, even have been kept secret. If the immediate family is not approving of this relationship, they have trouble being supportive. In fact, they may not understand, but may also be angry over the relationship. The reality is that out of the mainstream experiences are harder to understand and accept when they are not “your experience.”

Parents who have accepted their non-mainstream children, who love and support them, don't have to understand everything. Their love is a support platform. That said, however, joining a traditional support group may not be seen as a viable option because there is no common ground. Parents who are grieving want to meet other parents who are grieving. Grown children who are grieving want a group with others like themselves. Widows/widowers prefer being with other widows/widowers although there are similarities, there are many differences. People want a good match, the compatibility that comes with shared understanding and similarities. People who are gay do not see a mainstream support group as a major support for themselves because “they will not understand.” People want a match for their experience; they want to know that they can feel understood and loved and not judged or ridiculed. They will drop out of mainstream grief support groups that don't accept them.

Established in 1983, the New York-based Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center has grown to become the largest LGBT multi-service organization on the East Coast and second largest LGBT community center in the world. Doneley Meris, M.A., C.T. (Masters in Bereavement Counseling; Certified Thanatologist/Death Educator) is their Team Leader for Outreach and Education, Center CARE. Challenges for the LGBT community over grieving and healing are dependent on sensitive and inclusive grief LGBT-focused support groups according to Meris. Major cities have been able to address this concern by facilitating support groups but Middle America still needs to incorporate this unique service to the LGBT community which is a major challenge as religion, morality, and politics often get in the way.

Meris maintains a bereavement psychotherapy practice in New York City where the focus of his work primarily is to meet the challenges of the LGBT bereaved community(ies). “The LGBT community today continues to face discrimination in more mainstream venues for (bereavement) services,” says Meris. “When you add HIV/AIDS into the mix, the sexual orientation and the stigma attached to AIDS become major barriers to the comfort level, trust, and safety of LGBT individuals who attempt to participate in service programs that are not LGBT identified or sensitive. Secondly, there are many institutions that provide grief services that have not had sufficient and realistic trainings working with the LGBT bereavement population.

“There is sensitivity and humaneness specially required of any service practitioner in order to effectively move the healing process for this unique group of individuals. The big elephant of homophobia and heterosexism even in death has to be dealt with to be effective in providing quality grief services.”

According to Meris, grief counseling, however, is provided in many venues. “Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) has been very actively engaging and encouraging funeral homes, hospital chaplains, hospices, churches, HIV/AIDS service agencies, and other mental health and community-based organizations to incorporate grief services particularly to LGBT individuals in their service provision. Various websites have sprung up that address the unique grief challenges of the LGBT community.”

Excerpted from:THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2) by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Champion Press, 2006, a step-by-step grief recovery guide to provide the mourner with the tools needed to successfully navigate the painful, emotional ups-and-downs of grieving. A valuable “Healing Power of Thought” journal is included; a daily roadmap with healing prompts for recording important, positive progress all along the way.

Available at bookstores everywhere and online at:
Amazon.com
The Healing Power of Grief
The Healing Power of Love

When Your Widowed Parent Re-Marries: An Adult Child's Perspective

2007-03-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

Chances are you grew up in a two-parent family, with a mom and a dad. Went to a local school, away to college, married, had children of your own. And then, tragedy struck and your mother passed away, leaving your father a widower. He has mourned his loss and, in time, while still embracing the memories of your mother, met someone new and fallen in love, ready once again to enjoy a full life, perhaps to even re-marry, and you find yourself exchanging parenting roles as you concerns are not unlike that of your parents when you dated, fell in love and eventually married. While their expectation is that you will be thrilled when your older parent finds happiness in remarriage or has someone special in his life, it is seldom that simple.

It could be that you have been protective of your parent, especially caring since he became a widower and are uncomfortable with someone else taking over your role. Or perhaps this new person is assuming the role of your much-loved deceased parent. You may perceive the new partner as competition for your parent’s time or may have difficulty thinking of your parent as a sexually active person, especially if your parent’s involvement is with a younger woman.

Although the choice of mates is solely that of your parent, he will, naturally, be influenced by your opinion, suggestions, feeling and certainly your actions. As such, be aware that the more accepting you are, the easier it will be to deal with the problems intrinsic in blending and re-blending families. You can lessen the pain of assimilating new people into family gatherings, for example, by being welcoming and flexible, with a willingness to establish new family traditions.

Often there are financial or inheritance issues that can be sticky. In this case, try seeing things differently. Try to think of your new family members as more people to love you and your family as an extended support system.

With a life of your own and different priorities than when you were younger, consider what’s really important and allow the small things to fall by the wayside. Establish weekend visits, holiday meals, occasional celebrations, perhaps vacations together in a new way. So what if your parent's choice is not ideal. Be appreciative that someone cares for your father. Consider these suggestions:

Do try to put yourself in your parent’s shoes and consider how difficult it might be for them to be caught in an emotional tug-of-war between their new love and adult child.
Do keep reminding yourself that your parent is an adult and has the right, and smarts, to choose their new mate.
Don’t put your parent in the position of having to choose between your love and that of their new mate when both are important to their sense of well-being.
Don’t discuss issues such as family inheritance, your late parent’s possessions, and your feelings of being pushed aside by their new love when angry. Try to understand where your angry feelings are coming from so that you can calmly discuss your concerns with sensitivity and caring.

Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to family members. The reality is that being gracious takes less psychic time and energy, and you may indeed grow to like, even love, your parent's new spouse or partner. Family harmony often means only relatively minor-changes in long held perceptions or entirely new perspectives that genuinely reflect your own maturity.

THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is an Award-Winning collection of heartwarming, intimate and candid stories of 24 widows and widowers who chronicled their continuing journey to loving new relationships. When the grief and mourning at the loss of a spouse begins to ebb, many people do not know how to deal with the problems of forming new relationships. Professional writer Lintermans and grief counselor Stolzman have joined together again to present the stories of twelve new and loving relationships. The problems and pitfalls are not disguised and the stories are honestly told. The book, affirming of both life and love, is very helpful to someone coming out of mourning who feels the need for a meaningful relationship in their life. Champion Press; ISBN 1-932783-51-2

THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is a new self-help book is written by a professional writer (Lintermans) and a psychotherapist specializing in grief counselling (Stolzman). It is based on the twenty- four months of Lintermans’ own bereavement after her husband’s death, interpreted and explained by Stolzman. The point is made that ‘There is no way around grief…Real healing is a combination of time and educated grieving that truly allows you to embrace not only the continuation of your life but the joy that life offers.’

Based loosely on Kubler-Ross’ model, Shock/Denial/Anger/Depression/ and Integration-Adjustment-Transition are dealt with over a time frame of twenty-four months. It is full of useful lists of Do’s and Don’ts. There are also lists of questions the bereaved commonly ask themselves, complete with explanations and answers. There is also a 100-page workbook to help the bereaved work through their issues. I liked this book because I thought it was very down-to-earth, full of common sense and very practical. is a grief recovery book and includes a valuable “Healing Power of Thought” journal. Champion Press; ISBN 1-932783-48-2

Available at bookstores everywhere and online at:

Amazon.com

The Healing Power of Grief

The Healing Power of Love

READERS QUESTION & ANSWER

2006-10-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

READER’S QUESTION: I lost my husband at the end of June. We had been together for almost 5 years but did not marry until April of this year. We built a new house together and was married in it. It was a second marriage for both of us and we looked forward to many years together. My husband went into the hospital for a knee replacement and passed away due to a blood clot. I was devastated. I miss him so much and feel so alone. I have joined a widows group but it only meets twice a month. I just don't know how I will get through this. Any words of wisdom?

ANSWER: We are sorry for your loss. When we get attached after the loss of a first spouse, even if the loss was because of a divorce and not death, there is always the hidden concern about loss again. The second loss frequently revives the feelings from the first loss. It is a devastating time for you and if you could find a weekly support group instead of a by-monthly group, it would probably help. For now, try to go through it one minute at a time and later, one day at a time. Indeed, it feels very overwhelming at first.

Seek out support from loving friends and family who can comfort you; journal, reach out, accept invitations and try to keep busy with meaningful activities -- but not so busy as to avoid mourning. All of these things ease the pain of loneliness. It is hard to focus at this time because you are overwhelmed with feelings.

The unexpected trauma also adds to the difficulty of your adjustment. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to express your feelings, recognizing they are not right or wrong, they are just feelings. You might consider seeking support from one-on-one counseling as well. The BILL OF RIGHTS FOR THE BEREAVED within this Blog will be helpful.

Sending you understanding and healing. Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2) and THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (ISBN 1-932783-51-2), Champion Press, 2006 / Amazon.com: The Healing Power of Grief The Healing Power of Love

Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love

2006-09-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

The unimaginable has happened; you are a widow or widower. Mourning your loss has been the focus of your life for the past year or two. Finally, as you begin to surface from your profound grief, with a deep breath and lot or a little trepidation you find yourself falling in love again. Is this new relationship fraught with landmines? You bet! Here are important stepping stones to help keep you afloat along the way, Do’s and Don’ts as it were for widows/widowers beginning a new, loving relationship.

Perhaps you joined a bereavement support group, progressed through the stages of loss and are doing pretty well. And then, surprise … you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Not just someone to hear your grief, but someone who makes your heart quicken. What to do? What feels right? You are still grieving, but you’re attracted and you want to date, you’re also lonely and crave company. And yet, you feel guilty, disloyal to your late spouse.

Do take your time starting a new relationship; it’s not unusual to feel like an awkward teenager again.
Don’t rush into romance, start with friendship.

How do I let my grown kids know that I want to date? How can I help them to react in a positive way? I don’t want to hurt them while they grieve their mother or father, but I also want to go on with my own life. How do I talk to them about my needs and be respectful of theirs? I know that they grieve on a different timetable.

Do be sensitive to the feelings of your children; encourage them to “speak their truth” while moving on with your life in a positive way.
Don’t flaunt your dating or sexuality in front of your children.

I meet someone I can see having a future with. She/he has furniture; I have furniture, how do we blend that? What do we do with family pictures?

Do be respectful in valuing the treasures of your partner.
Don’t discard family pictures; find a way to blend what is important to both of you.

How do I financially protect my new partner and myself? Do we do a prenuptial agreement? What is fair? I want to leave money for my children and I also want to protect her/him, how do I do that? It’s distasteful to seek the counsel of an attorney but I feel I should do that. I have a townhouse, she has a townhouse; which townhouse do we live in? What do we do with our extra “stuff,” how much do we give away?

Do talk about your personal values, what is fair and what is important to you.
Don’t rush into legal agreements, until you have explored your feelings together.
Do listen to your partner, even if his/her ideas are different than yours.
All of these questions are common and very real. You might be asking yourself: Do we like each other enough to resolve these questions. Can we come out of our own chaos and have a mutual life?

Do realize that you have two “containers” in your chest, one for your old life and one for the new. You’re adding, not subtracting. It is a tribute to your late spouse that you want another loving partner.
Don’t compare your new love to your late spouse.
Do accept that your new partner has different interest that will enable you to explore new areas of growth.
Do accept that it can be an interesting and rewarding challenge to meet each other’s friends and children. They knew your new partner as a couple and it may take patience until they learn to see you as a new partner, but one who is not trying to replace your partner’s late spouse in their eyes.

A new partner and shared life is indeed a positive challenge. Many widows/widowers take on the growth and welcome new love, wanting to heal and move forward to a renewed life with joy, expectation and eagerness.

Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-51-2. Lintermans and Stolzman are also the co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-48-2.

THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF is a grief recovery book and includes a valuable “Healing Power of Thought” workbook. This book is written in everyday language to which anyone can relate and be gently guided through this heartbreaking time. THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a collection of heartwarming, intimate stories of how 24 widows and widowers were able to follow their grieving with loving new relationships...a unique perspective on this subject.

Available at bookstores everywhere and online at: Amazon.com The Healing Power of Grief The Healing Power of Love
Barnesandnoble.com The Healing Power of Grief The Healing Power of Love

Reader's Question & Lintermans' Answer

2006-09-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

I started dating an old high school friend almost a year ago. At that point his spouse of 30+ years had passed just 10 months before. I have tried to honor his feelings for her. He recently told me that he didn't know if he would ever again give his heart away. I feel that he is worth waiting for but at the same time it is difficult to constantly live in her shadow. --Posted by Anonymous to LOSS—GRIEVING—HEALING—LOVING at 9/12/2006 08:04:36 AM

Hello ...

Ten months is a very short period of time for bereavement. It takes about a year to a year and a half to work through the stages of loss. So at ten months, your friend could be feeling depression, anxiety, guilt and he is still grieving.

In order to embrace a new love and relationship, your "old high school friend" has to work through major issues in the stages of loss which include shock, denial, anger, depression, adjustment, integration and transition. It may well be too soon for him to know if "he can give his heart away again".

Try not to think of it as "living in her shadow" while giving him emotional space to complete his mourning. He may still have a need to talk about her a lot, or feel guilty about dating and embracing a new love. There may be many conflicting feelings that need to be honored within him before his heart is fully available to take on a new love.

The best gift you can give him for now is your patience. Allow him to talk and express his feelings -- a very important aspect. Being patient and loving, kind, caring and empathetic would be good avenues to explore. I suspect you are in different places emotionally and that's okay, but it needs to be recognized. He cannot replace his old love, but with enough healing he can embrace a new relationship while holding memories of his late wife dear.

Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D. L.M.F. T.

THE TIME SEQUENCES OF GRIEF: A Healing Understanding

2006-09-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

The loss of a spouse is one of the most difficult loses we experience as your entire day-to-day life is turned upside-down. The grieving process following this loss is divided into five time sequences of grief. One to four months would be called SHOCK, five to eight months of mourning is DENIAL, nine to twelve months is ANGER, thirteen to seventeen months is DEPRESSION, eighteen to twenty four months is INTEGRATION, ADJUSTMENT and TRANSITION.

While everyone experiences grief and mourning in his or her own way and time, predictably there are time sequences and emotions common to all. You may find yourself going through each of the emotional stages of shock, denial, anger, depression, and finally, integration, adjustment and transition in the order listed, or you may find yourself jumping all over the place in a forward-and-backward movement.

You may even seem to skip one stage completely, only to encounter it long after you have thought yourself emotionally healed. How so? You may not have allowed yourself to recognize, for instance, anger directed inward, or directed outward toward your late spouse or even the world-at-large until you are feeling stronger and in control of your life once again.

SHOCK is an alarm response to a sudden, violent or upsetting disturbance. Whether your loss is sudden or expected, the element of shock is still present. It is an alarm state that protects you from the flood of emotions with which you may be unable to cope. You may experience it as anxiety, insomnia, and /or numbness. It helps you get through this initial time period. It is “normal” at this time to lose things, to misplace things, to have trouble concentrating and staying focused. At work, you may function fine and at home while reading the papers, you may not be able to retain three sentences. You are easily distracted, may lose self-esteem, and frequently feel overwhelmed.

DENIAL. While mourning involves the struggle between holding on and letting go, denial keeps you holding on. Denial is no stranger, as it is a regularly utilized defense that helps to reduce, avoid or prevent anxiety. Denial helps to make life bearable at your time of loss. Denial of loss can take the form of refusing to believe that those we trust may let us down. It show up in many ways, such as leaving the deceased’s room unchanged, setting an extra place at the table, or momentarily believing that you see your loved one I the face of a stranger. You might feel that the deceased has gone on vacation, or that the phone will ring or that the doorbell will knock. Denial is a defense of the ego and it lasts as long as it lasts.

ANGER. When denial can no longer be maintained, feelings of anger, rage, envy and resentment may show up. This anger may be directed outward or inward. Anger toward the self may look like self blame, (i.e., “I should have done more….if only I had…”) resulting in feelings of guilt, shame, helplessness and fear. When directed outward, there is a danger of becoming caught up in bitterness, resentment and alienation. Instead of feeling the normal grieving feelings of sorrow and emotional pain, one may lash out at any convenient scapegoat (i.e., the doctors, God, an inept salesperson, etc.) When you admit your anger to yourself, talk to someone you trust. It is important to work through your feelings of anger and fear.

DEPRESSION. Anger turned inward becomes depression. Depression often occurs as feelings of helplessness and overwhelm as a result of dealing with a new and unwanted life-change and expecting yourself to manage your daily obligations and emotions as you did when your loved one was alive. Here it is important to take every step slowly and carefully. Seek help where and when needed and acknowledge every success, no matter how small. When the depression is not dealt with the grieving process is delayed. Often it is helpful to speak with a therapist or counselor for assistance in dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. Often, depression may be experienced more at nine months than initially because one is so busy taking care of paperwork and details, that they do not have time to process the feelings.

INTEGRATION, ADJUSTMENT, and TRANSITION. How will you know when you are healing? You will know when you can think of your loved one without the accompanied strong emotional feelings of longing and sadness. You will remember him/her more realistically; neither as an idealized saint or as a villain. You will be living in the present, not stuck in the past, and making plans for the future. I don’t think we totally achieve acceptance, I think we weave the loss into our lives by integrating it, making an adjustment to our living and making a transition. The pain and sorrow have lessened, and we feel free to reinvest in our lives again.

THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2)and THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (ISBN 1-932783-51-2)
By Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Champion Press, 2006

Available at bookstores everywhere and online at: Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com

When Half of a Whole Feels Like Zero

2006-08-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

The mental fog that had sheltered me emotionally during those first four months after my husband’s death is slowly, and painfully, beginning to clear. Coincidently, this occurs just as the world around me appears to need me to get out and on with my life. And so, I’m finding that this is an important time in my mourning because with my newfound awareness comes the need to take a stand, to “own” my grieving process. Sounds like I’m getting stronger? Yes, in some ways, but the reality is that sadness, crying and feeling lost are still very much a part of my day-to-day world.

Two weeks shy of the fifth-month anniversary of my husband's death, I can say, without the slightest hesitation or hint of exaggeration that grieving sucks. Ugly word? Yes. Ugly feeling? Absolutely! Grieving is neither gentle nor quiet; it is bottomless loneliness, anger and depression, until finally, a year or two down the road, I will be at peace with my loss -- or so the experts say.

But for now, there's no way around my grief; I can't hide from it (for long anyway) or run away from it -- it follows me wherever I go, no matter how fast I'm travelin'. I’m reminded, painfully once again, that losing a spouse is different from any other loss.

When my husband died after a prolonged illness, I thought I was prepared for his death. And I was - intellectually. What I now know is that we can prepare our intellect, but when death happens, emotionally, it still feels as if you are slamming into a brick wall. The rhythms of life continue around me unaltered, but I feel as if the universe is out of kilter, even on my best days.
Feeling so raw, what did I do to try to take care of myself at a time when I felt incapable of dealing with anything? Thankfully support was available in a variety of forms. All it took was my willingness to take life baby step-by baby-step and work hard to keep an open heart and mind.

The following steps I found to be helpful.

Bereavement Support Group
Profound grief was, for me, deeply isolating, because although family and friends wanted to help, it was impossible for them to relate to what I was going through. Instead, I joined a bereavement support group run by professional counselors, which made the experience more manageable. It gave the process structure and me a place where each week, no matter what else was going on in my life, my grieving was encouraged. I joined a support group -- even though the thought of being with strangers was, at that time, the last thing I felt capable of doing. No matter what other challenges I was dealing with, this was a place for me to fully know my sorrow. By its very structure, a bereavement group offers a sort of marker, one that allows you to appreciate your own ups and downs, as well as your progress. Sure, you'll cry in front of people you don't know, but they'll cry as well. And eventually, you'll cry less and laugh more as you cherish the emotional safety this group provides. You’ll also feel good about helping other group members, which in turn helps you to begin to feel powerful and whole again.
You might feel afraid that it's like going to therapy, something that might be especially scary when you're so vulnerable. Be assured that while a licensed bereavement therapist moderates the group, this is a “support” process group that deals with the here and now, it is not a therapy group that delves into your childhood in order to resolve old issues.
At this point in my mourning, these have been my most important discoveries:

Honor YOURSELF
Recognize who among family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers are emotionally safe right now and base your expectations on that information. Trust your ability to sense with whom you can be vulnerable, and with whom you cannot. My saddest moments are when something wonderful happens and my husband isn't there to celebrate or congratulate. By the same token, I’ve also lost the one person I could always go to when I needed a break from life’s everyday problems. He wasn't there so much to fix things, but to provide a place to rest when I needed it. It’s not the same, or quite as good, but I turn to others for that, for now.

Honor yourself and your need to put yourself first … for now. This is hard if your spouse passed away from a prolonged illness and you were, as I was, his caregiver. I’m just beginning to realize how, over the challenging care-giving years, I’d lost the ability to be spontaneous—too many doctors, dialysis, pills, procedures to be aware of, not to mention my husband’s inability to be left alone for more than an hour at a time, and even then, I was never far. Doctor appointments, medical treatments, medications, the to-do’s were many, so much so that taking care of my own needs quickly fell to the bottom of the list. Our lives revolved around my husband’s illness. Now is your time to re-learn the art of spontaneity, to have adventures and fun.

Be open with your adult children about your grief and the process you’re going through. Just please remind them that it’s not their job to take care of your grief or to make your grief disappear. First of all, no one can make your grief disappear; it is a process you will work through. They can support your effort; they just can't do it for you. By example, you will encourage them to process their own grief in an honest, open way, allowing all of you to remain emotionally open to each other.

Slow down. Meditate, nap, sit in the garden, smell the roses; the exact opposite of keeping yourself busy, busy, busy. Sure, busy might keep you from having time to think, but you also won’t heal.

Exercise. God/Mother Nature/The Universe blessed us with endorphins. Our body’s own feel-good high; it’s natural and it’s free. Allow this brain chemical to neutralize stress hormones to help you feel better. All your endorphins need is a little stimulation (experience tells me that it takes only a half hour of brisk walking to kick into gear.) Exercise need not be brutal, just regular.

Timetables. Honor your own timetable for sorting out your spouse’s personal things, for changing the message on the answering machine, and taking care of the other pending tasks. The added tragedy of loss is that many of us are also left to cope with the mechanics of a business and must contend with all of this at a time when we feel unable to cope with anything. Look to family, professionals, and trusted friends -- don't be afraid to ask for help.

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow
Live in the moment, for that's all we have any control over. The past is gone and the future holds no guarantees. Moment-to-moment, celebrate life, or rage at the forces, but stay present. For me, taking care of "the now" included honoring those close friends of my husband's who were also struggling with this loss. I wrapped personal objects of my husband’s, a treasured fountain pen, a tie, little objects from his desk at the office and sent them with a note letting each person know how special their friendship had been to my husband. It gave me a way to gracefully put closure to relationships that I knew would not survive his death because they had been his. I was uncomfortable allowing these special people to just drift without closure.

Five months in, that's all I know for now -- but I'll keep learning, making mistakes, growing stronger, feeling sad when I least expect it, and living. Oh, and yes, reminding myself to breathe now and then as I begin to feel strong enough to once again reach for my joy.

Excerpted from:

THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2) By Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Champion Press, 2006

Available at bookstores everywhere and online at:
Amazon.comThe Healing Power of Grief: Amazon.com,
Barnesandnoble.comThe Healing Power of Grief: BarnesandNoble.com

HEALING AFTER LOSS

2006-08-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

Loss is a fact of life. Yet, following loss, their needs to be a healthy healing, a healing that allows life not only to simply continue, but with joy and determination. What are the elements that make up healing? Whether suffering from a divorce, loss of a child, loss of a parent or loss of a spouse, we go through certain stages and reactions. Not only is it different for each person, it is different with each loss. Based on the nature of the relationship, we must take into consideration the history we had with that person, the strengths, the troubled aspects, our ego strengths, the intensity of the love and the unfinished fragments of the relationship.

There are many feelings in common that people go through in the stages of grief; as well as an often overlap of these stages. The stages include shock, denial, anger, depression, and transition, integration and adjustment .Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is credited with naming the stages that she created for the dying. I reframed the last stage of “acceptance” to call it, integration, adjustment and transition as it better describes what people actually move through. There is a great deal of emotion a, during loss, we move from one stage to another and then back again. A few steps forward and a few steps back – similar to the game of Monopoly – 3 squares forward, one square back and then land of “chance”. Be reassured that this back-and-forth movement is perfectly normal.

While moving through the stages of grief, know that:

Healing takes TIME.

Healing requires PATIENCE.

Healing is SLOW.

Healing means MOVING BACK AND FORTH IN PROGRESS.

Healing means BEING EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE TO YOURSELF.

Healing means BEING KIND AND LESS JUDGMENTAL TO YOURSELF.

Healing means allowing whatever FEELINGS TO SURFACE, knowing that they are subject to change.

Healing means that SOME DAYS ARE EASIER THAN OTHERS.

Healing means ALLOWING feelings to be present.

Healing means its OK to CRY and express doubt.

Healing means the ability to take in the POSITIVE while acknowledging the negative.

Healing means allowing OTHERS to come in and offer support.

Healing employs SELF-ACCEPTANCE and allowing yourself to be “in the moment”.

Healing is about creating BALANCE in your life.

Healing is about enjoying NATURE and spending enough time to slow down, breathe the air and see the trees.

Healing is about EXERCISE and adequate NUTRITION.

Healing is about using POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS about yourself and your world.

Healing is about feeling SAFE within yourself.

Healing is about LISTENING TO YOUR INNER VOICE.

Lastly, when we can share our bereavement experiences with others who are going through the same thing, we are participating in our own as well as each others healing. It is important to recognize that the wounded healer, in healing the wounds of others, is healing his or her own wound. This back and forth process of listening and being emotionally available to yourself and others is useful in moving forward. The humanness of a shared experience is healing; when we recognize that we are not alone and isolated, we feel a sense of security knowing what the larger community can offer.

THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2) andTHE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (ISBN 1-932783-51-2)
By Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Champion Press, 2006

Available at bookstores everywhere and online at:
Amazon.com - The Healing Power of Grief: Amazon.com,
Barnesandnoble.com - The Healing Power of Grief: BarnesandNoble.com

Bill of Rights for the Bereaved:

2006-06-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

Facing the loss of a spouse or life-partner is heartbreaking. Loving is all-encompassing; love took most of our emotional energy as we embraced our spouse or partner. We cared that they were fulfilled and well. We wanted to protect them and make them happy. We were devoted, so much so, that losing this loved one, feels crippling. And so, when they are gone, we need to learn how to transform this energy into something positive. Not a "substitute," but a conversion, from a "we" to an "I".

During this important journey, the first idea we need to fully embrace is that you, the mourner, have rights. What are they?

Bill of Rights for the Bereaved:

We have the right to express our grieving in our own way.

We have the right to know that grieving is slow, hard work and to move through it at our own pace.

We have the right to express our feelings about grief and to explore them.

We have the right to forgive ourselves for the things we think we “should” have done or “might” have done and realize that what we did in that moment of time was based on the information at hand and that we did the best that we could with the knowledge we had.

We have the right to be ourselves and to recognize our strengths and our limitations.

We have the right to participate actively in our mourning, to remember the past with fond memories and to allow ourselves to enjoy our lives again.

We have the right to move forward and to speak of our pain, whether that makes people uncomfortable or not.

We have the right to go back and forth in our grieving; some days making progress and other days slipping back.

We have a right to express our emotions and to have others bear witness to our story.

We have the right to believe that we will have a whole life again!

(c) 2006, THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: Transcenting the Loss of a Spouse to Life and Laughter by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. (Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006) ISBN: 1-932783-48-2

More important information on mourning, healing, and loving again in the days and weeks to come. Let's do this together. This is the place to shre your challenges, your goals, your triumphs ... your concerns, comments and questions.